That’s right, I said it. Now get thee hence back to thine life of boredom and mundane vanities the likes of which will deepen the pit in your soul your mediocrity deserves!
Okay, so really I just wanted to write a post with that title, and I figured it’s too early for anyone to see it anyway (though the validity of that excuse seems to be deteriorating by the day).
But in all seriousness, this blog has spurred a greater deal of soul searching than the somewhat obvious “travel blogging is so cool” assumption that writers and observers of this subgenre of potentially self-indulgent blather might expect is the case. I’ve been unable to shake the twin challenges of wondering what in the world I have to offer that others don’t, and why anyone would care what I have to say anyway. It’s important to me to offer something of value, and my extraordinary good looks and charm may be insufficient to draw forth a continuous stream of desperately attentive hangers-on, inconceivable though it may seem to what those in my position refer to as “everyone else.”
Thus, I have devised a list of what I expect will be the most noteworthy characteristics of my cognitively gymnastic narrative diatribes, the likes of which will be disseminated faster than the perpetrators of the Harry Potter stampede could possibly have imagined.
And so, without further delay, my Twitter and other social media minions can expect to find themselves bestowed with the following glorious gifts of greatness:
1) Unparalleled intellectual arrogance
Paradoxical though it may seem that my brilliant instructions and cunningly inventive strategic recommendations may be delivered in a manner other than mere realistic presentation, rest assured that no instruction shall be delivered without a humiliating dose of conceited spite, swathed in linguistic bile the likes of which would bring tears to the eyes of even the most vicious of swashbuckling pirates, who would sail back to their mommies as quickly as the winds may carry them, to bury their heads in her arms and never return to the cold, harsh reality of having been put in their rightful, confidence-shattered place.
2) Implicit assumptions of stylistic superiority
No post shall be bestowed upon the many fortunate recipients of my artistic creations without a vainly judgmental and cynical tone of haughty high-and-mighty mockery, the likes of which shall be well-deserved and laughingly presented in any and all installations.
Think you’ve had a good time backpacking through your destination of choice? Think again. I did it better. Think your story of drinking with locals was fascinating, eye-opening and life-changing? Embarrass thyself not. My experiences will shame your experiences as though you were a newborn puppy discovered mere moments after having soiled the imported rug.
3) Inexplicable obsessions with mundane and uninteresting drivel
Want indispensably practical and immediately actionable advice as to what constitutes a wildly successful and deeply satisfying international journey?
Look elsewhere, ill-located lost soul. Look elsewhere for thine mindless little performing monkey.
The incessant and resplendently ingenius dispatches received from this publication will be the of the utterly useless, intolerably boredom-inducing variety the likes of which will have you desperate for the opportunity to watch paint diminish in moisture content.
4) Masterfully crafted and hysterically funny photo captioning
In no post, from the most entertaining retelling of a night of intoxicated amusement to the most heart-wrenching reflection on sites of humanitarian tragedy, shall a photograph slip through this author’s grasp without being accompanied by a stunningly rendered and lovingly crafted caption of such astounding hilarity that one’s sides will burst with convulsive turmoil.
The obituary shall read, “died of hilarity.” Your family will be proud to know you went not peacefully, but with a smile on your face, and laughter in your heart.
5) Boundless sex appeal
The capstone to the gestalt, the Mona Lisa to my Louvre, the Genghis Khan to my unstoppable and epic tale of conquest, shall no doubt be the inexplicably supernatural, intoxicatingly irresistible, indelibly eternal mark upon your heart that shall be inscribed with the quill of my prodigiously breath-taking and soul-stealing sexual charisma, exceeding in warfare-inducing beauty even the globally renowned Helen of Troy, and whose unbridled maelstrom of fortuitous manhood shall set thine heart aflutter long after you’ve whispered a sehnsucht-laden goodbye as I walk out of the door, out of your life, never to be seen again, but never to be forgotten.
Shame thyself not, fair lass, for I will shed a tear for you as well.
Still with me? Good. Now the serious people are all gone.
But aside from the above nonsense, I do indeed hope to offer at least mildly entertaining, occasionally insightful, more-often-than-not helpful commentary to those who will listen, with an emphasis on local highlights of less-often visited locales, ultralight adventuring tips the likes of which will have passersby mistaking you for a school-going citizen, and grainy photos of obscure subjects you haven’t already seen in every other travel-related publication on the planet.
Sound good? Great. I’ll do my best.