How to fix gun control in America in 5 minutes

It’s been a weird few weeks. The Supreme Court ruled in favor of health care subsidies and marriage equality, which is a bit like a drunken hippopotamus sweeping a gymnastics competition with perfect scores all around.

But there’s one thing that wasn’t solved, and that was gun violence. Yet another mass shooting came and went, with no policy changes of any kind, nor any hope that such a thing could possibly happen. For whatever weird reason, it sparked the removal of the Confederate battle flag from all sorts of buildings, and that’ll perhaps lead to an incremental improvement in matters of entrenched racism, but it certainly won’t solve the underlying problems related to gun violence.

You see, the United States has a problem with guns. Despite 6 in 10 Americans thinking guns make us safer, the evidence is overwhelmingly the opposite. As gun ownership rates rise or fall, gun homicides follow the same pattern precisely. As gun ownership rates vary by region or state, gun homicides vary right along with them. More guns = more murder.

Gun ownership vs gun deaths
“Woohoo! We’re #1! In a shitty category!”

This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, except for those 6 in 10 Americans who think the exact opposite of reality. If you’re one of those people, you’re simply wrong. And your wrongness is destroying America.

But this is a problem that can be solved.

With racism.

You see, if there’s one Americans hate more than the metric system, it’s weird foreigners. Just take a look at the last century of American cinema, with Russian villains all over the place.

Ivan Drago I Must Break You
FYI: This man has an IQ of 160.

Outside of film, we even have entire color-coded paranoia movements, like the Yellow Peril and the Red Scare. Remember “No Irish Need Apply?” And segregation?!?

This fear is misplaced, of course. Terrifying though Dolph Lundgren may be, it’s the Americans who are killing you. But Americans have pretty much made a national pastime out of being scared of the wrong thing. Just look at Shark Week.

As for guns, the problem for quite some time has been that gun-loving Americans view easy access to gun ownership as fundamentally good. And how can we possibly get gun-loving Americans to view easy access to gun ownership as fundamentally bad?

Easy. Get Muslims to do it.

Take a look:

Explain the Difference

This photo comparison made the rounds on the internet, generally under the title “Explain the Difference.” But a lot of gun lovers claimed they could explain the difference, and quite easily, because one is a freedom-loving American, while the other is a freedom-hating Muslim.

As far as this plan goes, it doesn’t matter if they’re right or wrong. The only thing that matters is that they view only one of these as fundamentally dangerous. They’re happy to see white people getting guns, but they’d be absolutely horrified to find a bunch of Muslims doing the same thing.

Hence, bunch of Muslims:

Start doing the same thing.

Load up on as many guns as you can. Tweet about it all day, every day. Talk about how easy it is to get assault rifles and grenade launchers from the neighborhood vending machine without even having to show an ID of any kind. Post photos of your kids holding assault rifles with captions like “isn’t it so cute how they can barely lift them?!” You can even use toy guns, since they look the same anyway. Go ahead and mention how it’s practically impossible to get a gun in your home country, but here in America it’s soooo easy!!!

In fact, you don’t even have to do it. This’ll work even just saying so. Go ahead and write letters to NRA members thanking them for ensuring the ease of your many assault rifle purchases, and mention how you’ve recently expanded your collection with high-capacity magazines, explosive rounds, laser scopes, and bullet-proof vests so no one can stop you. Oh, and make sure to sign it Muhammed. That’ll get their attention!

Heck, you don’t even have to be Muslim. Americans can barely tell them apart from Sikhs and Hindus anyway, and I’d be willing to bet that anyone of Mediterranean or Latin American descent with an especially nice tan could scare the hell out of white America just as well as anyone. And Iranians?! Do I even have to mention how terrified Americans are of Iranians?!?! This plan practically writes itself!

Besides, you don’t even have to be within the US to do this. You can even borrow photos already posted by whichever paramilitary group is making headlines this week, and just start passing them around online, claiming they got all the guns at a Wal-Mart in El Paso, laughing and shouting “Can you believe they didn’t even do a background check?!! Thanks Obama!!!”

Yes, make sure to throw an Obama in there. And remember to call him Barack Hussein Obama, and mention how when he personally handed you your assault rifle and map of nearby elementary schools, he said, “It doesn’t matter if you have a criminal history. That’ll just be our…no, your little secret,” and he winked at you, and a tear streamed from your eye.

We’d have gun control in 5 minutes.

Do it, guys. Do it for America. We’ll never be able to do it without your help. We’ll thank you later, by making you the super-cool villain in every action movie for the next 50 years.


About SnarkyNomad

Eytan is a pretentious English major whose rant-laden sarcastic tirades occasionally include budget travel tips and other international nonsense. You can follow his every narcissistic word on Facebook or Twitter.

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128 Comments on “How to fix gun control in America in 5 minutes”

    1. Ah yes, the “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” argument. An argument that completely ignores the fact that if all you have is a knife, you can’t do nearly as much damage.

      1. Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.
        I’m not a pessimist, just a realist. This argument (like abortion, politics, and religion) is just a waste of time. No amount of stats or reasoning is ever going to get enough people to make a difference on either side to change their mind.
        I’m here because of your travel tips, not for your politics.

        1. People could have said the same thing about segregation, same-sex marriage, slavery, flight, landing on the moon, and breaking the sound barrier. Lots of “impossible” things have happened over the years, all because of people who ignored the nay-sayers who said it couldn’t be done. So I’ll say what I have to say. If you don’t want to listen, feel free to spend time elsewhere. The internet is a big place.

      2. I must unsubscribe, because I cannot be part of a false, liberal rumor mill.
        You have no idea what you are talking about. Please stick to backpacks and stay away from our FREEDOM. Are you even a US Citizen ? I doubt it. Read the US Constitution, 2nd Amendment, US Supreme Court decision in Heller. American Citizens have the undeniable right to self-protection, including protection against tyranny. Amazing how in every dictatorship, genocide (Africa, WWII, Korea, Vietnam, China, Russia, etc.) the population is disarmed or defenseless. When you add up the millions upon millions of dead, tortured, displaced, imprisoned, summarily executed — the numbers are outstanding. Gun control means hitting what you aim at. Plain and simple. If you are in the US, then please leave and go to the middle east where the people have no gun rights and are being beheaded .. you can post about your experience and what bag you used to carry your friend’s head home in.

        1. Pretty sure mass shootings don’t qualify as “rumors.”

          Oh, and claiming that people aren’t American citizens simply because they support background checks for assault rifles is just dumb. Support for background checks for guns is at 90%. This isn’t some weird fringe belief. Driving a car requires a license, but somehow an assault rifle is less of a responsibility?

          1. Did you know that you don’t need a license or registration to drive a car around on your own property? It doesn’t even need to be insured. The only time you commit a crime is when you take it off your property. I agree with you incidentally about background checks, and training. However, the licensing argument isn’t an exact analogy. Also, long guns (all rifles and shotguns) are used in about 2% of gun crimes, and so called assault weapons about two percent of that. If you want to make a real difference in gun deaths, focus on handguns.

          2. I’d be happy to see more done for handguns, especially the gun show loophole, but I think the reason people point out assault rifles as quickly as possible is because we can’t even get THAT done, despite how silly it is; gun control advocates can suggest an assault rifle ban, and gun control opponents will say no, and then they’re literally arguing in favor of military-grade weapons for civilian use, and they end up looking ridiculous. Also, a lot of people assume that when you say “gun control,” you mean ending all gun use, so I like to point out the huge difference between what some people are suggesting and what other people assume they are suggesting. So yes, I’d like to see other problems solved as well, but pointing out the more extreme cases is a way to highlight the severity of the problem, and the severity of the opposition.

      3. I live in Spain part of the time and I am forever having to “explain” our obsession with guns and how we fail to see the gun ownership and violent death per capita correlation. In Spain there are as many angry and mentally ill people per capita of course but the difference is what you said. They use knives as it is not as easy to get a hold of guns and therefore do less damage. As an American I don’t understand how some people don’t “get” this and why statistics don’t change people’s minds. Loved your post and have forwarded it on.

        1. Yeah, it seems pretty simple. No other country has a problem like this, except Mexico, and they get their guns from the US. They have all kinds of excuses, but it doesn’t change the fact that just about every other country on the planet has solved this particular problem.

      4. Look snarky, don’t you dare take away my right to defend myself just because some mental wackos want to do evil. You need to fight against evil instead of good (arming oneself and one’s family against evil).

        I wll never in my lifetime forget Sandy Hook…and all those innocent children in the first grade class who were wiped out by an evil one. But taking all the guns away from law-abiding citizens would never have stopped him, and it won’t stop others from doing the same thing. Taking away my right to bear arms just so some wacko ‘might’ not be able to get a gun makes no sense whatsoever, and is down-right unfair.

        Try taking guns away from the bad guys instead of the good guys, okay?

        P.S. By the way, I sure do like your name…Snarky Nomad. Fitting. :)

        1. 1) Requiring some sort of license to own a firearm is not synonymous with taking away your right to own a firearm. See also: automobiles, fishing, SCUBA diving.

          2) Closing the gun show loophole IS taking the guns away from the bad guys. They can, as of now, walk right in and buy a gun with no background check whatsoever. Where do you think a bad guy will go to get a gun? A place that does a background check, or a place that doesn’t? Closing this loophole would ensure there are fewer avenues for those with a criminal record getting a firearm when they’re not legally allowed to do so. It would not, however, interfere with your efforts to acquire one legally. It is not an infringement of legal rights. It is an infringement on criminal convenience.

          3) “Nothing can be done to stop a bad guy from getting a gun” is just an imaginary falsehood. See also: rest of world, where this problem simply does not happen.

  1. I had to laugh at the picture of Dolf Lundgren. Just this morning I started watching Rocky IV during my early morning treadmill workout. I bought a 4-pack of Rocky movies at Target for about $10. I left off on the movie just before the big fight starts where Rocky whoops up on Ivan Drago.

    I agree with your argument, though I remain pessimistic that change will happen. Not impossible, but not likely either. Personally the things which scare me the most are not terrorists or plane hijackings, but idiots with guns and drunk drivers.

    1. Self-driving cars will eventually fix drunk driving, but we might have to wait for a bit before it happens everywhere. Someday though!

          1. Sadly where I live public transport is rather spotty. One of the great things about Europe is the ease at which one can move around.

    1. So you’re saying 1) there would be fewer gun-related suicides, and 2) you read an article about politics even though you didn’t want to? And here I thought it was just so easy to click somewhere else.

      1. The point on suicides being the predominant metric touted in gun death statistics is valid. And it’s inclusion into overall gun violence is misleading. Sadly an individual who is at the point of seriously contemplating suicide is very unlikely to be stopped by removing one means of doing so.

        1. …though an individual at the point of seriously contemplating suicide often has second thoughts, but not necessarily if the attempt is over within seconds, as is the case with guns. Removing them would only help; not fix the problem completely, but help.

  2. Funny that my husband suggested the exact same strategy to me last night! I think it’s got promise. And loving your snarky responses to the haters.

  3. I agree. He needs to check his facts and read history. Genocide, Facism, Communist Dictatorships have killed millions upon millions, because the citizenry was disarmed. I too came here to read about cool outdoor stuff and not listen to progressive rants about disarming US Citizens. I am looking for the unsubscribe button, but will wait to see if my posts get through moderation and see Snarky’s reply.
    Homicide and gun deaths are a small fraction of what kills Americans. Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, drugs, medical mistakes, alzheimers, stroke and accidents to name a few far out number gun deaths which are notoriously over-reported, because justified homicide and police shootings are often lumped in with murder.

    1. Ah yes, the good ol’ “we shouldn’t bother solving a problem that kills thousands of people, because there are other problems as well.” You’d probably feel differently if your kids or friends were in school at the time of a mass shooting. But, given how frequent they are, maybe you’ll get to experience that someday.

      Happy to unsubscribe you manually. By the way, you’ll notice several moments from this “history” you speak of when dictatorships defeated even a well-armed resistance, so all those guns are still no guarantee of safety. But they sure are a guarantee of school shootings.

      1. So long as we have lax gun laws there will be mass shootings and it is that simple. One can point to dictatorships disarming people yet many democracies have strict gun control laws and seem to function just fine.

      2. Question… if you were a shoplifter and there was a business that you knew of that posted a sign that shoplifters would not be prosecuted, don’t you think that would encourage you to steal from them?? Well if you understand that concept then, why are people unable to understand posting these DEATH ZONE signs??×503.jpg
        [VIDEO] The Collective Failure of Gun-Free Zones
        When we allow so-called ‘gun free zones’ to go unchecked, we put EVERY PERSON who enters those ‘gun free zones’ in danger.

        1. I’m really not sure where you’re coming from with the gun free zone discussion, because that isn’t mentioned here at all. What I’m advocating is that gun ownership shouldn’t be the free-for-all it is now. The current system is “anyone can get a gun, even a terrorist.” All they have to do is go to a gun show, and there’s no barrier to purchase besides money. Think about which side of that debate you’re on.

  4. Speaking as a person who has lived in the UK, Ireland and Australia their whole life, I find the justifications that a worryingly large number of Americans make for gun ownership…well quite frankly, bizarre.

    I, and pretty much everyone I’ve ever met, have never for one minute felt that owning a gun would make ourselves feel any safer.
    This includes several of my friends and family who grew up in Belfast and Londonderry (now Derry) through “the troubles” in the 70s and 80s.
    In fact, because of the things they saw happening on their own doorstep they are even more anti-gun ownership than any of the so-called “liberal, lefty propagandist” merchants mentioned above.
    This isn’t propaganda, this is the view of most of rest of the democratic world outside of the US.

    Does any sane person really think that your average citizen armed with *insert your weapon of choice* can defend themselves against an organized, disciplined military force if that highly unlikely situation ever came to pass?

    I think it all comes down to travel and education. In my opinion, anyone who has travelled outside their own country for any period of time would be inclined to come to the same conclusion.

    1. And the countries that did get rid of their guns make for some great examples of how easy it is for a democracy to continue even without guns. If fascism comes to the US, it’ll be dressed up in a pretty suit, not a military uniform. It’s already partway there.

    2. This is pretty much everything I was thinking. Frankly the whole ‘pro gun’ argument has no basis in reality or logic and yet those with that mind set will not be swayed. Truthfully I thought the rants against the article were comedy at first but there you go. Great comment and very witty article.

  5. Australia has gun laws, with the (perhaps unintentional) assistance of the NRA we brought them in after the Port Arthur Massacre with the specific aim of preventing crazy people from getting their hands on rapid firing weapons. Seems to work pretty well.

    The laws haven’t got rid of all the guns nor prevented criminals using and selling them (that wasn’t the objective) but they have reduced the supply so that the price of a gun on the black market is so high that any disaffected teenager with poor social skills doesn’t have a hope of getting his hands on them. Oh and a lot of owners decided they’d keep their arms by burying them out in the bush somewhere, and you know what? We just don’t care because they’re still out of circulation and unlikely to be used in a crime of passion or a home invasion.

    1. Yeah, but after the guns were restricted Australia immediately devolved into a fascist dictatorship with tyranny and oppression and ruthless despots ruling with an iron fi–OH WAIT NEVERMIND.

  6. I’m still waiting for the first gun-loving, flag-waving patriot to step up and prevent a mass shooting. If all these guns were the answer, you’d think they would have helped at least once by now.

    1. Yeah, they keep saying that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. But also background checks.

      1. Well to be fair, most of the mass shooting have occurred in so-called “gun-free” zones, and the “good guys” tend to obey the law and leave their firearms at home when they plan to go somewhere with this restriction.

  7. “You have no idea what you are talking about. Please stick to backpacks and stay away from our FREEDOM.” HAHA thanks I laughed so much at this one, looks like an american cliché.

  8. Like many, I follow you for your travel tips, but unlike many I support your first amendment right. I am a gun owner and I am smart enough to know that you are correct in your correlation between guns and gun deaths. I would also like to see these deaths stop. However, I believe that the purpose of the Second Amendment is not to protect us from thugs, but from our own government turned foul. We send arms to oppressed in a number of countries and we arm some oppressive countries. Here, we are already well armed, about one gun per person, so any would be tyrant would know ahead of time that taking our liberty would cost blood. We no longer have independent community militias so we will have to do individual gun owners capable of forming militias in emergency as our last line of defense of liberty. Maybe I am being cold, but I am willing to put up with gun deaths as the price of liberty.

    Finally, we have had assault rifles in civilian hands since shortly after WWII, see M1 Carbine. I actually prefer it to an AR 15. It has only been since the demise of our mental health system that we have had the mass shooting problem.

    I like your travel advice, but I am respectful enough to hear your politics and argue now and then. Oh, and yes, unfortunately, we are a very racist country.

    Disclaimer – I am a criminal defense attorney and I make a portion of my living defending homicide cases.

    s/Casey Sears

    1. Part of the problem is that even against a well-armed citizenry, the government is always going to have access to superior technology, like drones and tanks. Back when it was muskets vs muskets, it made plenty of sense as a defensive measure, but the balance of power is no longer remotely equal. I also think that if anyone wants to take over the United States, they’ll do it with charm, rather than tyranny, with a slow, steady restriction of voting rights (already in progress in many states) rather than outright force, as it’s much easier to get away with (as evidenced by all the voter ID laws out there). All the people shouting “they’re taking away my freedom!” are doing nothing in the face of voting rights restrictions, but they get upset about gun rights; I don’t see the point of having a gun to defend freedom if they don’t also take the time to defend democracy itself, which is being eaten away. Really they should be showing up at voting stations fully armed and demanding everyone be let in, even well beyond closing time.

      Also, no one is talking about taking guns away. A useful analogy would be driver’s licenses. It’s not like people started taking cars away just because you have to get a license to drive, and doing the same thing for guns makes all sorts of sense, particularly in the case of background checks. Tyranny is worth fighting against, but people should be fighting that battle, not the alleged precursor of a simple background check. It’s not like you can’t go fishing because you need a fishing license. The same principle could apply to guns; particularly high-capacity assault rifles, which are a lot more dangerous to society than a fishing rod.

      1. Following the driver’s license analogy, liability insurance should also be mandatory if you own a gun, just as it is in many states if you own an automobile.

        1. I can get on board with that too. Insurance companies could review you based on previous history of accidental firings and whatnot. If you’re just a terrible shot, it’ll cost you more.

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